THE BATTLE OF THE BADASS  
OR ONCE UPON A TIME IN ASIA

BY OUR CORRESPONDENT SINGHIZ THINGE, CURRENTLY EMBEDDED WITH THE 2ND LIBYAN HEAVY CAVALRY SOMEWHERE IN ASIA.

A mighty clash of arms occurred today, between the Carthaginian expeditionary force of General Basdrubal the Bold and the army of King Shaunus of Jhelibele, along the banks of the River Badass in Central Asia.

 

King Shaunus in his personal escape pod.

King Shaunus commanded the Indian infantry at the centre of his army with his brother and bearer of the Royal Purse Lord Dib'Halla commanding the elephants and chariots on his left. To his right stood his Bactrian Greek allies commanded by the grizzled veteran Gramus Psilokranus.

Lord Dib'Halla guarding his purse.

Opposing this fearsome (fearful?) host were General Basdrubal commanding the African infantry in the centre with, on his left, the Numidian and Lybian Cavalry under Micellus Vetus and, on his right, the rabid Celts of Lyton the Insane (and strangely reticent).

Hostilities opened with the Bactrian and Carthaginian cavalry advancing towards each other, while on the other flank Lord Dib'Halla's elephants and chariots rolled forward, in a seemingly unstoppable tide, towards the hapless Celts.

The Indian army had initial success when their Bactrian horse archers caused severe casualties on the Lybian Cavalry including a painful wound on General Micellus. Provoked by this outrage the General urged his units forward in to close combat and, after a bloody conflict, put the Bactrian's to flight. General Psilokranus was injured when his lower lip was trampled by fleeing cavalry. The Bactrian infantry could only stand bemused while their cavalry evaporated.  

Micellus Vetus looking for revenge.

On the opposite flank fortunes were, initially, more mixed. The Indian chariot screen was smashed by the Carthaginian elephants but their own elephants caused havoc amongst the Celtic infantry, which began to waver. At the crucial moment, however, the Indian elephants, enraged by Celtic missiles, stampeded through their own ranks causing chaos and allowing the Celts to rally and press forward once more.

Crisis point on the Carthaginian Right.

 With his flanks now secure Basdrubal pushed his African spearmen forward in to contact with the Indian centre. After a short but bloody melee the Indian infantry were overcome and fled the field taking King Shaunus with them.

It was left to Lord Dib'Halla to save the remainder of the Indian Army from annihilation by bribing the Carthaginians with vast amounts of gold. He was so distraught by this event that he later disembowelled himself honourably.

The Greek general, Gramus, also attempted self destruction by attempting to impale himself on his own pike phalanx. He survived, however, and retired from the field suffering from a small prick.